Deep Freeze

If any of my readers browse through the news headlines (or perhaps are unfortunate enough to be living it), they would be aware that the great Canadian Prairies are in an Arctic deep freeze where we are experiencing temperatures as low as -40˚ Celsius, with wind chill factors in excess of -50˚. For those who are fortunate enough to never have to endure these temperatures, exposed flesh freezes in under a minute, and necessities such as fuel will freeze in your gas tank.

I am writing this because I am currently 90 minutes minutes late for work, as my car has been rendered the equivalent of a large maroon ice cube. The block heater has been plugged in for the last 2 hours, and I've been trying to turn over the engine every 30 minutes, though my attempts have currently proved fruitless.

I realize now that my car should have been plugged in overnight, but the forecast stated that temperatures were expected to rise overnight. Once again, the "Precision Weather Forecast" was far from being precise.

In ten minutes, I will once again venture out into the abyss and make another futile attempt to start my car. Otherwise, I could attest these turn of events as fate telling me not to leave the house today.

You know what it's like in the Yukon wild when it's sixty-nine below;
When the ice-worms wriggle their purple heads through the crust of the pale blue snow;
When the pine trees crack like little guns in the silence of the wood,
And the icicles hang down like tusks under the parka hood;
When the stove-pipe smoke breaks sudden off, and the sky is weirdly lit,
And the careless feel of a bit of steel burns like a red-hot spit;
When the mercury is a frozen ball, and the frost-fiend stalks to kill --
Well, it was just like that that day when I set out to look for Bill.

-- Robert W. Service: "The Ballad of Blasphemous Bill"

UPDATE:

I managed to get my car started, and arrived at work at 10:30AM, a full two and a half hours late.

All This Rain is a Sadistic Joke

I am gigging tonight, and will be for the remainder of the weekend. This can only mean one thing: Sleep Deprivation. I will not get a chance to sleep in, and if I do, it will be Sunday Morning. This is the worst day to catch up on my sleep, as it usually throws a wrench into my sleep schedule. By the time 11:00 PM rolls around, I have hardly been awake for twelve hours, I've only eaten two meals, and I usually feel like I haven't accomplished anything on "Catch Up on Everything You Didn't Get To Do The Rest Of The Week Day". But I didn't get to accomplish much, since I spent my time catching up on some much-needed rest. It's a vicious circle, and I can't wait until I am a parent when sleep is something you never get, and peace and quiet only happens if you are deaf.

Of course I can wait.

After months of drought, it finally began raining today. I think the rain gods have decided to make up for lost time, since it is pouring and ten seconds in the rain is the equivalent of taking a dip in the slough and smelling like a wet dog for the rest of the day.

There is a definite reason why it's raining, and it will not stop until late Sunday. This weekend is a local outdoor festival where families can "enjoy the sun", sample some food, partake in some fine arts, entertainment, and sports. All everybody is interested in is the outdoor beer gardens, which is a really stupid reason for all the local riff raff to drink overpriced beer, fight and get West Nile virus. On this particular weekend, it rains every freaking year, so I suspect one of two things: When city planners chose this particular weekend for a sunny outdoor festival, they were smoking crack, or there is such a thing as a mischievous God, who decides to thwart any ounce of fun us hairless apes plan to have.

My mother has been heavily involved in the planning of this outdoor festival. She has been one of two people commissioned to schedule and book the musical entertainment. She has booked something ridiculous like sixty-five bands, who will perform over three days. I have a feeling that the festival will be a disaster, since everyone in this city are wimps, and hide indoors when it rains. There is no back-up venue for this festival to continue, so I imagine that my mother will emerge from the festival cold, soaked, and miserable.

The only advice to any of you who plan on partaking in on this "Sunshine Festival", is bring a raincoat. I'm gonna be dry, drinking beers in one of the oldest, scummiest bars I have ever seen. On second thought, being wet doesn't sound so bad after all.