Change of Season

You heard it here first: The winds of change are blowing.

It will not happen overnight; it won't happen next month. But rest assured, by this time next year, there is a distinct possibility that I will no longer be a resident of Medicine Hat -- and this is not entirely by my choice.

This is something I have to come to terms with, and it will likely take several months to accept. I can only explain my feelings in one word, which is shock.

I honestly wish I could put into words what's been going on, as I think that being completely overwhelmed and overtaxed is preventing me from thinking clearly. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I was capable of a clear, concise thought. It must have happened sometime during the first year of writing my blog.

I have a great many decisions to make, one of which is related to this very early post. I have to decide, ultimately, to stay here, or to move away. I have to decide if I should continue working, or to return to school. Either choice portends further decisions. If I choose to return to school, what should I study? Will I have to take a year of upgrading before applying to a Masters' program? Can I afford to accrue the debt-load associated with such studies? At this point, there would be no point stopping at a Masters' degree -- it would be straight through to a PhD. Conversely, if I choose to work, what do I do? Can I even get a job? It most certainly won't be in the field that I currently work.

And what about music? Do I set up a teaching practice in my new locale? What's the competition like? Do I have to resort to serving donuts at Tim Horton's? Not like it matters, anyway, for I hear a starting wage at Tim's is more than what I make at my current occupation -- and I have a University degree!

I'm tired. Very tired of holding my ankles while I am being taken advantage of.

But the Devil you know is often more comforting than the Devil you don't, which is probably why I have spent the last several years of my professional life in a rut, risking little. At least the bills got paid, and I could pursue my music career during the evenings.

It sounds so appealing -- so inviting. This is a chance for a new life. A part of me does not see it that way. I keep thinking that I am throwing something else away, even though I can't determine what that is.

I fear that I won't be able to network with other musicians in my new locale, and get work. I fear that I won't be able to to earn enough to pay the bills. I fear that I am leaving my family and friends behind -- and I shouldn't, because I've done it before, and I know better.

I fear that I won't make the cut and I won't be admitted to the university program of my choice. I fear that I will financially dig myself into a hole that I will never possibly be able to crawl out of. Forget the "Freedom 75" plan; I'll be working until I gasp my last breath. I have been working 16+ hours per day, 6 days per week, and I still can't seem to break 30k per year. With my credentials and experience, I should be making more than double that.

I am paralyzed by fear.

When my life takes this drastic turn, I plan to continue writing. The dynamics of this blog will continue to reflect that of my professional life, my academic life, and the fantasy-like life that is partially created by me, and the rest that is created by the fantastic life of being a professional musician.

In the coming months, there is work to do. There is money to save. There are finances and debts to consolidate. There are renovations to do, students to teach, gigs to play, and an album to finish. There are jobs to apply for; and resignations to write. There are renovations to complete, a house to buy and one to sell. There are things to pack, move and unpack. There is a university to re-apply to, and courses to register, if I so choose. There are hugs to give and tears to shed, friends to cede, and new friends to make.

All this has left me so overwhelmed, that I find it difficult to breathe.